Learning to Drive
by Saturn Girl
Summary: Dawn tries to cope with her loss. Xander comes to help.


Title: Learning to Drive 1/1  
Author: Saturn Girl  
Email: saturngirl9@hotmail.com  
  
Summary: Dawn tries to deal with her loss. Xander comes to help.  
Spoilers: BtVS sixth season, through "The Gift"  
Pairing: Dawn and Xander friendship, hints of X/A and B/X  
Rating: PG-13, minor swearing, angst alert  
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer don't belong to me, but I can't help getting involved in their stories. I'm not profiting from this little tale of mine one bit, and no copyright violation is intended. This is just for fun, folks! Feedback okay, but be kind, this is my very first attempt at fan fiction.  
  
Note: Dawn's POV. // // = indicates her thoughts.  
  
*********  
  
Dawn glumly perched on the upstairs landing, letting her legs dangle as she pressed her forehead against the railing. Her legs swayed back and forth as she kept her eye on the shop's entrance. It had been a slow day at the Magic Box, but the customers who had visited were somewhat interesting. A bald man with mismatched socks bought five pounds of powdered horse bone, which Anya speculated was being used in a spell to increase his stamina.   
  
//Stamina? Why, so he can pull a horse cart around?//   
  
A Gothic looking girl wearing too much eye make-up asked Giles if he had any arachnid cookbooks. Dawn sighed, wondering who would walk through the door next.  
  
//Not Buffy,// she thought. //Buffy will never walk through that door again. Buffy will never walk through that door and tell the Scoobies about the newest monster in town. Buffy will never walk through that door and rag on me to do my homework. Buffy will never walk through that door on her way to saving the world. I think "never" is the crappiest word in the English language.//  
  
It has been over a month since Buffy's final battle. Dawn struggled to suppress what felt like the one-billionth tear from welling up in her eye.   
  
//Enough! Stop it! I will get through an entire day without crying.//  
  
Desperate to distract herself, Dawn looked down at Anya, who was carefully rearranging the bills in the cash register to make sure all the presidents' heads faced in the same direction. Anya was moving rather stiffly, still sore from the injuries she sustained at Glory's construction site. Dawn remembered how on her first day back to work after being released from the hospital, the ex-demon lectured Giles about his sloppy bookkeeping, and vowed to write him specific instructions for how to run the business correctly in her absence.  
  
Perhaps sensing she was being watched, Anya looked up at Dawn and smiled hesitantly. "Dawn, is two hours enough time to sit up there all by yourself? I have given you plenty of space so you can sort out all your feelings, but I'm really not sure about human customs for this whole grieving thing yet..."  
  
Dawn cut her off with a curt "I'm fine," followed by an apologetic "I'm just not sure what to do, now that school's out."   
  
//Well, that was partly true. What am I supposed to do, now that Mom and Buffy are gone forever? Forever...now that's another really crappy word.//  
  
"Well, if you want to help me restock the healing candles, that could be fun!" Anya gestured to the large box next to the counter. "You can reach all the high shelves for me, so I don't have to wince in pain every time I lift my silly, fragile, human arm over my head."  
  
"Sure. Whatever."   
  
//Healing candles. If I burn enough of them, will I feel any better? Or will I just set off the smoke alarm?//  
  
As Dawn trudged down the ladder to the main floor, she heard the doorbell tinkle as someone entered the shop. Anya's face lit up, and she rushed out from behind the counter. That could only mean...  
  
"Xander!" Anya threw her arms around her boyfriend's neck, then hissed as she wrenched her shoulder. "Ow! Ow!"  
  
"Ahn, careful! You're still healing," Xander chuckled as he kissed his lover's forehead. The young man blushed as Anya whispered suggestions about things he could do besides kissing to make her feel better. "Honey, how many times do I have to remind you to keep the language PG-13 when we're in public?"  
  
"I can't help it," Anya said as she pushed a lock of hair out of Xander's eyes and traced her finger down his arm. "You always look so sexy when you wear your construction worker costume. I especially like the form fitting jeans, and how you get all sweaty." Her eyebrow arched as she asked him, "Did you ask your boss yet about getting someone to video tape you while you work?"  
  
He looked extremely relieved when Dawn interrupted the exchange with a nervous "hi, Xander!" Even though Dawn was over her longtime crush on her sister's friend, she still got that little fluttery feeling sometimes when she saw him. Xander smiled and walked towards the back of the store, putting his jacket and lunch pail down on the Scooby Gang table. Anya went back to the box of candles and proceeded to unpack the contents.  
  
"Dawnster. How's tricks? Anya hasn't been trying to exploit you as unpaid child labor again, has she?" Xander kept his tone light, but Dawn could see the concern in his gentle brown eyes.   
  
//How does he do that? How does he always seem to sense when something's wrong? Buffy told me once that Xander gained psychic heartache radar after years of listening to depressing country western music.//  
  
Dawn crossed her arms and gave him her patented Don't Treat Me Like a Kid pout. "Excuse me? I am not a child, Mr. Harris. I'm almost old enough to get my learner's permit, remember?"   
  
"I stand corrected, Ms. Summers." Xander grinned and poked Dawn gently in the shoulder. He leaned in conspiratorially and asked, "Howzabout we swipe the keys to G-Man's convertible and practice driving in the parking lot? Giles has better insurance than me, anyway. C'mon, you can tell me all about your day. Did freaky Spider Chick show up again?"  
  
Dawn looked up at Anya, as if asking permission to "borrow" her boyfriend. Anya frowned slightly, but Xander gave her a look to let her know that he wanted a chance to talk to Dawn privately. "Ahn, we'll be back shortly, promise."  
  
Anya fished a set of keys out of the drawer and tossed them to Xander. "Okay, but please do not allow Dawn to wreck Giles' automobile. He is overly sensitive about who drives it...I know that from experience."  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes at Anya's remark and followed Xander out to the car. The sun hung low in the sky, less than an hour or so away from setting. Xander opened the driver's side door with a flourish, motioning Dawn behind the wheel. She hesitated before slipping into her seat.  
  
After hopping in on the passenger side and handing her the keys, Xander turned to Dawn and said, "okay, ready to drive, Miss Daisy?"  
  
"Umm, you know I've never tried this yet," sputtered Dawn. "Aren't you going to show me what all the buttons and levers and stuff do? What about mirrors? I think mirrors are supposed to be arranged a certain way, right? I don't want to crash just cause I pushed the wrong button or didn't look in the mirror right! Or am I supposed to check the tires first?"  
  
"Dawnie, relax. We don't have to drive if you don't really feel like it. There's plenty of time for that. Maybe...um, we could just hang out and talk."   
  
//Here goes, I knew he was going to try to get me to open up. But I'm not sure I want to...//  
  
Dawn looked down at her lap, trying to avoid his gaze. She played with the key chain, tracing the little blue and red buttons with her thumb. A few moments passed before she got the courage to speak.  
  
"You know, Buffy was a terrible driver," she murmured. "I never thought I'd miss her frightening lack of navigational skills, but here I am, and I can't help wishing that she was here to crash us into a couple of garbage cans, or a hedge."  
  
"Yeah," Xander agreed softly. He wore a lopsided smile, eyes downcast. "Gotta love Buff. Feared by vamps, demons, and defenseless pedestrians everywhere."   
  
Silence again. Dawn looked at the gangly young man sprawled in the passenger seat, and his eyes were glittering. She knew that even though Xander loved Anya, Buffy would always hold a piece of his heart.   
  
//We try to pretend we're doing better, but Buffy's death hurts more today than it did the day it happened. Xander will never get over her death. He will miss the first girl he ever loved forever. Never...forever...there goes those painful, crappy words again.//  
  
"Xander...I'm s-sorry." Not able to hold back the tears, Dawn sobbed quietly. "I'm so, so sorry."  
  
Xander patted the crying girl's shoulder. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Don't ever be afraid to talk about her..."  
  
"No!" Dawn's voice became more strained as she started to cry harder. "It's not that...it should...it should've..."  
  
"Dawn, no." Xander's voice was quiet but firm.  
  
"...it was MY FAULT!" Dawn felt like running, like screaming her crime to anyone within earshot. She reached for the door handle, ready to bolt, when Xander grasped her shoulder and tugged her back. Dawn spun around slightly and looked up at him, challenging him to contradict her.  
  
"No. Dawn, what happened was not your fault."  
  
"Not my fault?!" Dawn spat. "Ha! I'm...I'm not even a real person, remember? ! If it weren't for me, Buffy would still be here. I'm just a KEY! Just a stupid KEY!" With tears streaming down her face, Dawn threw the set of keys out of the convertible with all the force she could muster. It landed with a metallic clink behind a dumpster. "Buffy should have killed ME! Buffy was the real one. Buffy shouldn't have had to die. I'm n-nothing...but, she...she..." Wracked with emotion, the young girl couldn't continue with her rant.  
  
"She was the Slayer. Dawn, saving people is what Slayers do. And you are a real person, don't ever think otherwise."   
  
//Damn him! He doesn't understand...he'll never understand...//  
  
Dawn struggled out of Xander's grip and tried to open the door again.  
  
"Yeah, tell that to Giles. Ever since the funeral, he can't even look at me! I bet he wishes that Buffy had killed me to close that rip. You shouldn't even care - all your memories about me are made up! Lies! If I had died, Buffy would still be here, and your life would be normal again, just like before. It wouldn't have mattered if Buffy had killed me, because I'm not real! Are you going to tell me you never thought that? Even for a moment?" Dawn angrily searched Xander's eyes, waiting to see a glimpse that what she said was true.  
  
Xander sighed, but his eyes didn't waver. He sat back, gathered his wits, and started again. "Dawnie, listen to me. Three years ago, Anya Emerson didn't exist. She wasn't real. But because of a twist of fate, one that I don't completely understand 'cause of all that weird alternate universe stuff, Anyanka the Vengeance Demon lost her powers and became human." Xander pointed to the Magic Box. "The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with is right there in that building. I thank God every day for making Anya real. Well, maybe not that one day when she showed Willow...uh, never mind. The point is, Anya Emerson may not have a past, but she has a future. You have a future, too, Dawnie. Buffy made sure of that, and I'm so, so, glad she did."   
  
Xander ducked down a little to look straight at Dawn, his handsome face calm and sincere. "Dawn, I never once wished that Buffy had made a different choice. I will miss her terribly, but she did the right thing. I've thought a lot about what she told us right before we faced off against Glory, and I think I understand."  
  
"What...what do you mean?"  
  
"You and Buffy share the same blood. You might have been energy before, but the monks changed you. They made you out of Buffy, see? You really are a part of her, closer to her than normal sisters could ever hope to be." Xander stroked Dawn's cheek, wiping away the tears.   
  
//God, I knew I wasn't going to be able to get through this day without crying! He must think I'm the biggest baby!//  
  
"Buffy had a vision where the Cave Slayer told her "Death is your gift." It drove Buffy nuts, not knowing what that meant. Being the dumb, non-college guy that I am, I didn't get it either. But looking at you, I know why Buffy died so you could live. Dawn, you're Buffy's future. The future she could never have."  
  
"Buffy has no future! She's dead...dead because of me!"  
  
"No, Dawn. Buffy never had a future, not until now. She was the Slayer. Oh, we all tried to deny the fact that Buffy's days were numbered the moment she became the Chosen One. I even did everything I could to make sure that prophecy about The Master didn't come true, remember?" Dawn nodded, and noticed a tear running down Xander's face.   
  
//He brought her back to life. It must kill him that he couldn't do that this time around.//   
  
"It was like the elephant in the middle of the room. Giles, Willow, and I all knew that Slayers die young, but we never acknowledged it. We tried to make life as normal as possible for Buffy. But it didn't matter. Buffy knew she'd never have a regular life. That's why she pushed Riley away. Slayers don't get married, have 2.3 kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. Slayers rip the pickets off the freaking fence and use 'em to impale bloodsucking vampires. Slayers live fast, die young, and leave behind a whole lot of ugly demon corpses. Do you see?"  
  
"Slayers die, I get it! But she didn't have to die for me, Xander. I'm not worth it." Dawn slumped forward in the car seat, emotionally drained.  
  
Xander shook his head. "You were EVERYTHING to Buffy! Dawn, by saving your life, Buffy got the greatest gift a Slayer could ever ask for - the chance for a normal life. Buffy will always be a part of you. Her blood courses in your veins. When you live your life, a part of Buffy will get to experience all those things she could never hope for. If Buffy had let you die, she'd live another day, that is, until the next Big Bad decided to destroy the universe. Eventually, Buffy would lose, and that would be the end. Buffy and Joyce were two of the most important people in my life, and I sure would hate to live in a world without a Summers woman in it."   
  
Xander pulled Dawn close, rocking her gently. "Do you see now? Do you see why Buffy died for you? Do you see why you need to move on with your life?" Dawn snuffled and pushed herself up from Xander's chest, nodding because she didn't know what to say.   
  
"Don't ever feel guilty. Buffy loved you. Joyce loved you. I love you. Because of you and those wacky monks, I've been blessed. I'll forever have a Summers in my life. And that's a wonderful gift."  
  
Dawn sat quietly with Xander for a long time, letting her friend rock her and stroke her hair.   
  
//He doesn't smell sweaty, more like Irish Spring. I hear a comforting heartbeat in his chest, kinda like when I'd cuddle up with Mom. It feels good to feel this way again.//  
  
Finally, she gave him one last hug, and a peck on the cheek.  
  
"Thank you. Buffy was so right about you...you always know exactly how to pick up the pieces when your friends fall apart. She loved you, Xander. Even when you guys fought about Angel and stuff, she knew that you'd do anything to protect her from being hurt. That meant a lot to her, to know that you were a friend she could depend on. I love you, and I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks without you. I may have lost my sister, but as long as you're around, I'll always have a brother."  
  
Deeply moved, Xander's lips trembled, and he looked away, trying to hide his emotions. "Keep it up Dawn, and you're going to have to put this Humpty Dumpty back together again." The sound of rustling paper made Xander perk up. "Hey, did you hear something?"  
  
Dawn concentrated for a moment, listening.   
  
//Nothing. Probably just a rat.//  
  
"Nope. Do you think Giles has some tissues in here? I don't want anyone to see how puffy I am," said Dawn, as she rubbed her eyes and straightened her hair.  
  
Xander popped open the glove compartment. "Let's see...stakes, crosses, holy water...ah ha! Kleenex! And it even has the special lotion it in. I think we both need some of this, huh?" He handed her a gob of tissues, and used one himself. "I don't have any Blair Witch snot action going on, do I?" He let out an exaggerated honk before wrinkling up the tissue and pitching it at the dumpster.  
  
Dawn giggled as she dabbed her eyes. As the sun began to set, the pair walked back to the Magic Box. When they entered the shop, Giles was waiting for them at the counter.   
  
"Ahem." Giles did not look amused. "Some would consider it common courtesy to consult the owner before borrowing an expensive automobile. I trust you haven't damaged it? Please, tell me you didn't spill milkshake or ketchup on the leather."   
  
"Relax, G-man, don't get your tweed in a twist. The Dawnmeister and I just went over what all the buttons and levers do. We won't crash into any poles or drool on the seats until the NEXT lesson!" Xander cast Dawn a knowing glance, and winked. Then he saw Anya dusting some crystals and scooted across the floor to greet her, leaving Dawn with Giles.  
  
Giles held out his hand. Not sure what he wanted, Dawn gave him a high five and a meek smile. Giles gave her one of his famous crusty looks as he sighed impatiently.  
  
"Car keys, please?" asked Giles  
  
"Keys? Uh...just a minute." Dawn turned around and started to head back to the lot, just in time to see a platinum haired vampire zoom by the front of the store driving a shiny, red convertible. "Ooops...um, Mr. Giles? We may have a problem..."  
  
//For the first time since my sister died, I feel okay. Not great, but okay. I may even be able to get through the rest of today and tomorrow without crying. One day I'll know what it's like to be happy again. I'll go to my Prom, I'll finish college, I'll get a cool job, I'll buy my first car, I'll learn how to ski, I'll go on an African safari, I'll fall in love, and I'll name my first daughter after you. I understand now, Buffy. I'll live. Life is my gift, my gift to you.//  
  
*********  
End.  



End file.
